if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
