you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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