I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize