I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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