Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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