I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
