he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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