you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize