On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
