I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
time to smoke my breakfast
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
