The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
