You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
