I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
