omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize