So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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