just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
