I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
