it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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