I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
