You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
