Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
