my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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