Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
