Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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