I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
