why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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