Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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