He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let the clothes fall where they may.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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