drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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