dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
