I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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