a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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