how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize