god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
