puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
