I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
