Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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