Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
