Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
