I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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