Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
did i just pee glitter
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
