i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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