How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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