Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
