my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
