Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
