Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
