my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
