My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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