hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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