thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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