I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
