you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
