I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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