he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
