I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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