I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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