I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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