I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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