omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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