Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
